Accepted Truths - The pH factor

　For the past few decades pH balanced has been a term widely used in order to sell skincare products. It is just one example of many “accepted truths” we run across everyday. The media using this term to interject scientific sounding mumbo jumbo into the conversation to make you as a consumer feel comfortable about your selections in products. The problem is that few people actually understand what the term pH balanced means. Furthermore, pH balanced for what? 

First lets have a little science lesson. In chemistry, pH is how someone measures the acidity or alkaline nature of an aqueous solution. An aqueous solution basically means something that is water soluble or can be diluted. De-ionized or “pure” water is said to be a neutral, with a pH of 7.0 at 25C or 77F. Solutions with a pH of less than 7 are said to be acidic. Solutions with a pH greater than 7 are alkaline, commonly referred to as basic or a base.

 Low or acidic pH indicated a high concentration of hydrogen ions or hydronium ions in water. Hydronium ions are the combination of hydrogen and water.

Here are some common examples of acids.

Hydrochloric- HCl Muriatic Acid - common name; Toilet bowl cleaners, masonry cleaners, gastric juice
Carbonic- H₂CO₃ Carbonated water; club soda - soft drinks, blood buffer
Sulfuric
Acetic- HC₂H₃O₂ Vinegar; cooking, salads
Nitric- HNO₃ Remove warts, causes yellow stains on skin
Phosphoric- H₃PO₄ Acidify soft drinks, in ATP and DNA
Citric- H₃C₆H₈O₆ Fruit juices
Lactic- HC₃H₅O₃ Builds up in muscles during exercise

A high or alkaline (base) pH indicated a low concentration of hydrogen ions. A base is any compound that gives up hydroxide ions when dissolved in water.

Here are some examples of things that are base or alkaline

Sodium Hydroxide NaOH Lye, Caustic); make soap and textiles, oven cleaner, Drano, Liquid Plumber
Potassium Hydroxide KOH Lye, Caustic); make soap and textiles
Magnesium Hydroxide Mg(OH)₂ Milk of magnesia; laxative and antacid
Calcium Hydroxide Ca(OH)₂ Lime Water; astringent -causes contraction of skin pores
Ammonium Hydroxide NH₄OH Ammonia in water; window cleaner, other cleaning solutions
Ammonia NH₃ Gas; inhalant to revive an unconscious person, anhydrous or liquid ammonia is injected into soil as a fertilizer
Sodium Carbonate Na₂CO₃ Soda Ash; Detergents
Sodium Phosphate Na₃PO₄ Sodium triphosphate;
Detergents

It is quite possible to write a pretty heavy book on the additional information related to the definition of acids and bases. I have spent much time agonizing over a simple way to explain but for the sake of this article we’re just going to leave the definitions there and move on.

When dealing with an acid, a base and a neutral there are a number of things that happen. Primarily you have dilution. If you take a base and mix water it gives up a part of itself to the water to cause it to become a weaker substance. If you take an acid the water either takes from the acid or binds to the acid also causing a dilution effect. Based on my understanding, the effects of acids to acids and bases to bases is that the dilution process relates similarly to water in that the stronger acid would become dilute by a weaker causing it to meet between the two. For example an acid with a ph of 4.5 mixed with an acid of 5.5 would find an equilibrium of 5 between the two. Same for a base. A base of 10 would be weakened by a base of 8 making 9.

As was stated earlier the pH factor relates only to a water soluble substance. We’ve all heard the saying, “oil and water don’t mix” so it should be made clear that non water soluble agents do not apply where the pH factor is concerned.

Ok, with that little chemistry lesson out of the way, lets begin. The cosmetic industry often tells us that soap is bad for your skin because it is too alkaline in nature. This is based on the concept that our bodies have something called the “acid mantel”. The acid mantel is a thin layer or film on the skin that is formed by sebum (oil) and sweat. This layer is said to protect against the elements, such as wind and pollution. It also said that it inhibits the growth of harmful bacteria and fungi on the skin. Or so I’m told. The cosmetic industry would have you believe that by using alkaline soap you are destroying this “acid mantel” thereby subjecting yourself to the above mentioned: wind, pollution, bacteria and fungi. It’s enough to make you scared to death, right?

I have actually read in certain articles that a pH of 7 is enough to seriously impede this most “precious“, natural barrier. Here’s the problem. Do you remember our science lesson? Water is a pH of 7. According to some of the information out there, water will damage your skin. Of course they don’t say water because anyone would know that’s garbage. They say, “a pH of 7” because who knows what that means? Well now, you do.

Additionally in regard to the acid mantel there is no consistent pH range given for this “most important barrier”. I have read 4 to 5.5, I have read 4.5 to 5.5, I have read 4.5 to 6. I have also read it is variable to person to person, men being more acidic than women and being variations to these levels from one part of the body to the next.

I say this with a touch of tongue and cheek but here is my theory why. The acid mantel is the sweat and oil on your body. It is not some precious substance on your skin that will be forever lost if you wash yourself with soap. It is what is secreted from your pores and the glands beneath your skin, sweat and sebum. It is the very thing most people are trying to wash off in the first place. Hello?!??!?

The cosmetic industry tells you in order for your skin to be healthy you must clean your skin with a product that has an acidic pH of about 5.5, give or take, because that most closely matches the acidity of the “acid mantel”. Then those same companies turn around and sell you deodorant to stop you from sweating in your armpits.

The acid mantel in a healthy individual replenishes itself on it’s own naturally; as soon as you step out of the shower. No matter what brand of soap you just used, water alone will strip this film on your skin. The idea that a cleanser “pH balanced” for skin is necessary is a way to scare you into buying, “a cleanser pH balanced for skin”

Oh but it gets better. Lets discuss “tear free” products. You’ve all heard the ad’s, “Gentle as pure water to your babies eyes”. Do you know why that is? Because it’s once again “pH balanced” - for your eyes. Your eyes have a pH of about 7.4 (sources vary) but for a product to call itself tear free is has to be “pH balanced” to approximately 7 to qualify. So this same industry that sells you on the idea that your cleanser needs to be 5.5 to be pH balanced for your skin, sells you a product with a pH of 7 to wash your baby in because it‘s “tear free“.

The acid mantel aside, your body as a whole typically stays at a pH of approximately 7 give or take. Your skin is an amazing organ designed to adapt to the conditions outside of you and can handle fairly well a pH ranging both from the acidic rang to the alkaline (or base) range. If you look back at some of the things listed in both the acidic and base examples above you will see that both sides of the equation have things we come in contact with everyday and never give a second though to if it might “damage” our skin. We also can clearly see that some of the items on either side of the list are caustic and would obviously be damaging to us. The difference has more to do with how far either side deviates from the neutral rather that which side of the neutral they’re on.

Now the argument against soap has been that it can have a pH range from 9 to 11. That very well may have some truth to it but there is never an explanation beyond this given. Once again expecting the consumer to simply trust that this is “bad” and “true”. Soap is made by taking lye and mixing it with fat. Fat in it’s own right is not an aqueous substance but when combined with lye a chemical reaction happens breaking the fat down into soap, glycerin and water. Lye generally speaking has a pH of 13. On it’s own it is extremely caustic. The reaction it has with fats however neutralizes it reducing the pH. This does not happen immediately. Home made soap typically must age for several weeks so that the lye can completely absorb into the fat. The age of soap alone can work as a factor in regards to how alkaline it may be. Also the water and glycerin content play a role in how alkaline it is as well. The amount of fat and the quality the fat used in soap making can significantly change the pH.

People who make all natural soap typically strive to maintain the glycerin content in there soaps because glycerin is very nourishing to the skin. Glycerin is a humectant and draws moisture from the atmosphere towards itself. If you’ve ever used a lotion with a high glycerin content you can almost feel this happening from the moment you put it on. In a large majority of cases the cosmetic industry removes the glycerin content from soap. They do this so that they can use the glycerin in lotions. At this moment I am only making an assumption but I don’t think it takes rocket science to put this idea together. It would seem, the cosmetic industry makes an inferior product intentionally by removing the most nourishing element from soap and then takes that same wonderful substance and turns around to sell it back to you in another product designed to help repair the damage caused.

Instead of accepting the “accepted truths“, we as consumers need to start seeking real truth. I hope this article has been enjoyable and enlightening and will encourage you to keep learning. Don’t just be a complacent consumer, be a knowledgeable one.
　

　

In-laws, Money and Infidelity - The trinity of Divorce

The first time I got married I was 18 years old. I knew in my heart it was wrong from the moment I said, I do. That was my mistake. I had made the commitment and the obligation and I stood by it for many years. I thought that was what you where suppose to do.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I never loved him. I did. But I have learned that there are many kinds of love and love is different depending on the relationship and the circumstance.

In a marriage love has a set of rules. Respect defines these rules. Self respect and the respect for the one you love. Without this a marriage is doomed to start.

It is said there are certain things that doom a marriage to failure. In-laws, money and infidelity.
All these things are dependent on the “respect” rules.

In-laws will never be an issue as long as you and your spouse respect that as a married couple you are “one” and the parents now become secondary to your bond. Being polite and fostering a healthy, happy relationship with the in-laws doesn’t hurt either. As long as the appropriate boundaries are in place or put in place.

Money can be touchy. The easiest way I’ve found to avoid money conflict it to never “blame”. As a married couple you are “one” and therefore the responsibility of your finances are shared. If you feel the need to blame your partner, look to yourself first. When your husband is a good provider, praise him. Men tend to equate showing there love by being supportive. Financially or otherwise. While women tend to place the value on “special” things and tend to “expect” to be supported, as if it’s some kind of right. A man appreciates a woman who understands this and longs to be praised for the daily “gifts” just as much if not more so that the “special” gifts. If you remember this, and your man is a good one, you will be well on your way to marital bliss.

If your husband berates you for money issues ask yourself, “Am I a loving supportive wife in all other aspects?” If your answer is a resounding “Yes”, then he is not being respectful or considerate of you and you are within your rights to gently remind him of such.


My ex and I fought over this topic quite a bit and he loved to blame me, despite the fact that I had many “real world” jobs threw out our marriage. On one occasion I got frustrated an said to him…

“If you had to pay for me you couldn’t afford it”

I think this is something that bares mentioning because I’ve known many women who felt down about not, “working”. Society tells us we have to be everything to everyone and that if we don’t “work” then we’re somehow lacking regardless of how wonderful we may be as mothers or wives.

Let me break it down for you how I see it.

As a wife we run errands, balance the bills, cook, clean, take care of children, and of course provide “personal” comforts for our husbands.

Lets just stop for a moment and look at the current national averages for pay….

Accountant - 44,000
Cook - 31,000
Housekeeper - 22,000
Childcare - 29,000
Personal Assistant - 36,000

So as a wife just based on those 5 criteria alone your annual “income” is now 162,000 a year. And the above figures assume a 40 hour work week. As a wife your on the job 24/7. So excluding 8 hours for sleep just to be “fair” lets times this by a wife’s “working hours”. Now your up to, 486,000 and that still doesnt include weekends.

Think about that the next time someone tries to make you feel “less than” for not having a “real job“. If the average man had to pay your “salary” he couldn’t afford it.



Now infidelity. Also a touchy subject. For some this is very cut and dry. If you cheat, your out. For biblical reference the bible says that if a man “put away” his wife she is entitled to divorce him. So you got God’s ok there.

There are some cases though where people are not so hasty to throw there marriage away. In this case I’d like to share my feelings on this.

I think there are two kinds of cheaters. There is the habitual cheater. This cheater enjoys cheating and will most likely never mend there ways. This cheater is the one we say goodbye to. They will never be faithful, truthful or committed to you so you shouldn’t waste your time.

Then there is the “accidental” cheater. Sometimes mistakes happen. We’re all human and nobody is perfect. Even the most devoted and loving spouse can have an “accident”. I have found that the difference between the two types of men is that a “habitual cheater” has no genuine remorse. This kind of cheater will never really accept they did wrong and will defend themselves and there actions. The accidental cheater will hate himself. He will genuinely hurt for the wrong he’s committed. He will accept and understand your punishment. He knows he deserves it and he is truly sorry.

So there you have it. The trinity of divorce solved in black and white.

Things I learned from divorce - Part 2 - a better woman?

　
After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

Despite the pain what as made me a better woman post divorce?

Wow that’s a deep question. Despite the pain? Well I personally believe pain can be part of the learning. It motivate you. If it didn’t hurt to get divorced it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

What has made me a better woman?

When I was married to my first husband I was over time destroyed as a person. I remember my attorney telling me after the divorce that when I came into his office the first day I looked, “rode hard and put away wet”.

Just getting out of a bad marriage alone can make you a better woman by default. You become more fulfilled and happy. Your life becomes your own again.

When your in an unhealthy relationship you are smothered and denied light. You are a wilting flower. Moving on from that and getting past it helps you blossom again.

In the beginning you are destroyed. Or at least you feel you are. You struggled so hard and so much of yourself was poured into try to make things work. When it’s over you initial reaction is to feel gutted. But then you get up, you move on and then one day you realize, it’s ok. Not only is it ok but you feel so much better!

You can not be a strong, healthy, loving person while living in a circumstance that does not promote those things. I am far from the type to blame my life on circumstance but in the case of marriage you become “one” with another person. If that other person makes you toxic it’s not as simple as changing your diet, finding new friends or going jogging to blow off steam. That other person is the problem.

Of course it doesn’t happen overnight and you don’t come to that conclusion overnight. A thoughtful conscientious wife will very carefully look at her life and marriage and try very diligently to save it before coming to the place of divorce.

In my personal case there where a great number of factors that contributed but for me the final conclusion was that I had chosen the wrong partner.

Once I was on my own the world opened before me. I moved, made new friends, started working, put my son in daycare. I found support I never knew I had. I realized I wasn’t alone. I realized there where people in the world who loved me. I realized my life was my own and that “this man” no longer defined me, no longer “controlled“ me.

I was able to take time to learn about myself and who I was and what made me happy. Those things led to better life choices. And I guess, you might say, made me a better woman.

Things I learned from divorce, part 1 - The short list

After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

To answer the first part of the question. Can I summarize the lessons I learned? I’m going to try and break it down simply. It has been 5 years now since my divorce and I feel like sometimes I’m still learning from it…

This is part one for this two part question

-Every marriage is different
-Not every marriage is “meant to be”
-Sometimes we fight to save the wrong things.
-No matter how much you love the idea of marriage, sometimes it’s not worth saving.
-Fighting to make someone love you will never work if they don’t or don‘t know how.
-Sometimes we just make mistakes. No one is perfect.
-It takes two to make a marriage. If only one is trying there’s really no marriage to save
-Sometimes we make poor choices but eventually we have to learn to stop making ourselves suffer for them and move on.
-If you give your all to your marriage, then you should have no regrets in the end.

-Staying in an unhappy marriage “for the sake of your children” will only lead to unhappy, ill adjusted children.
-Your children watch you and learn more from your actions than anything you might ever say to them.
-If you don’t want the kind of relationship you have to be the same for your children then your probably in the wrong kind of relationship.
-Sperm donors are not “fathers“. The man who raises his children, loves his family and lives his life in such a way to show these things is a father.

-Its ok to be angry and hurt, but don’t let it consume you
-Take comfort in knowing that “being the better person” will make you the better person in the end.
-If you “give'um enough rope” they will hang themselves.
-Lawyers on average will cost about the same per hour no matter which one you go with. I recommend getting the best you can afford. One with class doesn’t hurt either.

-Life goes on.
-When given the opportunity, and the right attitude, you will be amazed by the number of people who are there to help support you.
-There are still people who love you.
-If you forgot how, relearn to love yourself
-Learn from your mistakes
-Don’t judge people too quickly
-Don’t trust too quickly either
-For every door that closes another one is waiting to open
-When your ready, love will find you.
　

I am sure this is in no way a “complete” list… but just some highlights that came to mind.

For a Friend

In an old myspace blog I use to have I wrote....

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22 Aug 2006
sometimes people make use of false guilt’s and so they find an excuse for closing there eyes to there very real guilt’s
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 ....I recall, after posting this, my ex-husband calling me and wanting to hash out "What is that suppose to mean" with me. It was written not long after I moved back home to prepare for my divorce. It all seems so long ago and ancient now. The quote still makes perfect sense of the hell I call my first marriage. Life does not stand still though and onward I moved. Frankly, I just threw myself into moving on and a few months later I wrote this....

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4 Feb 2007
love story

This story is not an easy one to tell. For all the openness I am; all the truth I strive to be, some things are more difficult to express than others. Fear has a lot to do with that. When you spend your life believing so strongly in love, only to have your heart shattered, it creates a hurt that heals but scars. The initial wound fades rather quickly but scars take time to diminish. Sometimes they never fully fade. Unlike the faint lines that mark your flesh internal scars are only visible in the moment. For me, moment of venerability; intensely emotional moments; primal intimate moments, these almost paralyze my whole being. Words ball up like a hot weight in my stomach as they struggle to come out. So this is why I write them.

The first time you touched me was the first time I'd been really touched in so long. I didn't realize in the moment. I was so intent on guarding myself that only later did I realize how significant that touch had been. It was so simple. Yet it grew in me in ways I couldn't understand. I wanted to drive it away. My conscious mind pummeled me with memories from the past. They way my heart had raced with fury till I believed it might explode. The way my soul ached and how I had collapsed from the swell of anguish. Knowing that every whisper, every profession of undying devotion had been a lie. A sick game for his twisted pleasure.

In the shock of my broken reality I had swore I would never allow myself to feel again. I had envisioned a future of self-gratification and nothing more. My whole focus became a forward motion. Work, success, personal dreams, goals, those where my new lover. Stability from nothing. I would create a new existence free from hurt. Most importantly, above all else, protection and love for my son.

When I was younger games where easy to play. I was inspiration and as such the center of my universe. It never occurred to me how deeply my disconnection affected others. Now, as I am older, I view things more empathically. I understand a little better the way I touched soft hearts because I became one myself. From that came knowledge. "Knowledge is power" or at least that's what they say. What they fail to explain is that what you do with that power defines your soul. I seek truth. I ask myself, "How can I be wise?" all the while my spirit soaring with passionate inspiration. Is it possible to find balance? Can one really have the discipline to contain their actions while there essence burns with life?

In most ways I am strong. The wall around me is high but the gate is generally open. The garden maze beyond intoxicating. Tourists come and go but that's fine. Many follow threw its winding beauty and never look at its complexity. The different hews and shades of its mosaic light. It is very rare that one meanders. Vary rare that one questions its intricacies. I am its caretaker yet even I sometimes fail to notice what grows in its deeper depths. As you passed threw you left a seed. A seed so slow growing and persistent that despite my want to ignore it my dreams intervened.

Heavy tiredness draws over my every night. Exhaustion from the almost overwhelming task of creating a new life. Most night's dreams never come and I awake as if perpetually hung-over. Never realizing truly recuperative rest. This night the darkness of my mind blossomed. The vision began with me leaning over the banisher of a stilted house. Blue and somewhat Mediterranean in style it hovered over a stark landscape. In the beginning you seemed to come down from the sky in a rush. As if falling from some unknown height. Your hands grasped massive high wires and momentarily you swung. The polls holding the structure began to lean and I called out to you to be careful. As they slowly gave way my heart jumped fearing your fate. Yet you came down gracefully like one does after they parachute. Around the corner of the house you ran and disappeared. I stood at the white railing looking down. Looking for where you had gone.

After a few seconds my gaze returned to the horizon, considering the geometry of this odd subconscious world. I felt your hands gently come to my sides. I should have been startled but it felt so familiar. Closer you pulled to me, your chest grazing my back. Your nose nuzzled past my hair and lightly touched the arch of my neck. Laying your chin on my shoulder you rapped your arms around my waist. Holding me as we watched the evening light fade.

In the art of storytelling an author should seek to leave an impression. To lead into inspiration yet leave room for the imagination. The story doesn't end here. In fact it is only the beginning. But for now I seek to be wise. To let it stand still and see how the rest of it grows. It is for you to find truth.

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The story is intentionally cryptic. Although I did actually dream about my new love before I met him. It is a combination of musing and self reflection. As the year went on I grew so much as a person. I never could have imagined in the place I was before how suffocating my past life had become. With the freedom I became stronger and more complete as a human being.

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28 Mar 2007
listening to the voice of god

There's something about the south. Perhaps it's the sultry evenings. The way the humidity clings and the breeze caresses. Or the hues of pink and orange lingering as the slate blue gray slips across the sky. Of course maybe I'm just partial being a southern girl.

I was walking the dog tonight, as I do most evenings, looking trees and contemplating how much I really enjoy life. Watching the children playing as I pass. Taking in all the beauty the world has to offer.

There where times back when I was with John and I would stop my rambling thoughts and take it all in. And I would say to him, "we are truly blessed". Since being alone I have realize it wasn't "we" that where blessed but "me".

I am blessed with sight. I am blessed with insight. I am blessed with the gift of life and the ability to recognize how wonderful that is. What's more I am also blessed with a child. A life I've been given to shape and care for.

I don't presume to understand much. I do the best I can and try and make the most of what I have. But I do know that I am very thankful. In spite of all the petty day-to-day crap that comes my way at the end of the day everything is ok. I am ok. My son is ok. The world is ok.

I love
I love life
And I truly am blessed

(by the way- "the voice of god" is a short instrumental piece by Thomas Newman)
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Looking back it's rather inspiring how quickly the soul can start to heal.... The above was written less than a year after splitting up with my ex... A couple days later I found myself musing over this....

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 29 Mar 2007
The Little Prince and the fox

There is so much wisdom in children.... that's why I love children’s books The following is from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"And now here's my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."
"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
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I knew in my heart the man who truly understood this passage would be my "prince" forever...

After divorce I think everyone’s first reaction is, "never again" ...for me my new love was quick to come. The course of events fell almost perfectly in both our lives to bring us together and yet neither of us understood that at first. Or perhaps we did, but fear can do strange things to people.

When I met my love, the very moment I looked into his eyes for the first time I knew. Yet my mind went, "Oh crap, I don’t need this right now." ....it's funny to think back to that.... especially considering where I am now...

In October of 2008 my love and I moved in together. In August of 2009 our beautiful daughter was born. I was proposed to probably no less than 5 times before I accepted. In October of the same year we where married. I would like to say that was my happily ever after, but even then the wisdom of the fox was to be tested. My prince was slow to understand but eventually and with Gods help he finally understood the meaning of the story. Though I doubt he ever read it.

Life goes on. What happens after, "and they lived happily ever after?"....I would like to think, they live happily.... I do..

Someone like you

I was riding in the car and the song, “Someone like you” by Adele came on the radio. It got me thinking about past situations. I thought of women in the past who tried to be the other woman to the man in my life. I imagined them listening to this song. I imagined the feelings and thoughts they might have as they did so. It also crossed my mind that society has taken a strange turn when the songs have gone from the old songs of the woman scorned to songs that almost romanticize infidelity.

You take Hinders song “Lips of an angle”. When I was going threw my divorce I remember getting really angry every time I'd hear it on the radio. I guess that kind of dates my divorce if your familiar, but oh well. The moral backwardness just blows my mind.

Don’t romanticize stupidity.

Why do these women do this? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not letting men off the hook but for the moment I just want to focus on women. Do you really, honestly believe that you can win here? Even if you win, what have you won?

One could argue, “Sometimes things happen.” Ok. As much as I hate to entertain this, in the sake of fairness I will. When I was younger I met a man who I had a brief affair with. He lived alone and there where no signs of a wife or family. It never even occurred to me that could have been a possibility. Then one morning he received a phone call and said he had to leave out of state. Apparently something was going on with his wife that required his immediate attention.

“WIFE?!?!?”

Apparently they where getting “divorced” but I really didn’t care at that point. When they got divorced I might have considered it, but it did not happen for quiet some time. And not before I had well moved on with my life. Had I known he was married the affair would have never occurred and when I learned he was, in my mind it was over. It wasn’t because I wasn’t in love with him. For a time, I was. But it’s about having a moral compass and self control. I left and that was it. I saw him around. I thought about him occasionally. I even managed to remain friendly with him.

Shawn Colvin did a song called, “The facts about Jimmy” - it made me think of him then and it makes me think of him now and in a way I guess that was my “infidelity” song. But I would like to imagine that “Jimmy” in the song, like in my life, had not been forthcoming in the beginning and the end of there affair was like mine, as a result of learning about the whole truth. Probably not, but that’s how I’d like to imagine it.

During my first marriage I actually had a women have the gall to curse me out over my husband. She genuinely believed that he had left me and that they where going to live happily ever after. Funnily enough before this I had no clue about her or any of that. I was completely blindsided by the affair but level headed enough to point out to her that I was unaware of that and she needed to bare in mind she was the “other” woman. Not only did he not leave me for her but our marriage lasted almost another 4 years after the fact. I hate to admit that point but it was his first affair and I allowed him to convince me it was a mistake and would never, ever happen again. The only mistake in his mind though was that he allowed himself to be caught. I had my suspicions over the years that followed but to be able to prove them definitively? I really couldn’t. Only later and via circumstance where the puzzle pieces aligned.

Now, I believe there are two kinds of women in the world who get involved with married men. The ones who don’t know and the ones who do. For the ones who don’t know? I forgive you. Now that you do? Have some self respect and leave. The ones that do know? What is wrong with you? Really? Are you that sad, pathetic, desperate, lonely, stupid, arrogant? ….I could go on and on.

Like I said, you will never win. In the process you knowingly destroy a family and home. If you do manage to get the man to leave his wife for you? Congratulations! You’re a home wrecker! If you decide to keep the prize you “won”, you’ll suffer the rest of your time together living in terror that he’ll someday do the same to you.

Oh, and btw if you’re just one of those little whores who just wants to see if you can take another woman’s husband away? Well, I’ll just say, there’s a special place in hell for people like that. And one day you might just meet the crazy wife who will put you there.