In-laws, Money and Infidelity - The trinity of Divorce

The first time I got married I was 18 years old. I knew in my heart it was wrong from the moment I said, I do. That was my mistake. I had made the commitment and the obligation and I stood by it for many years. I thought that was what you where suppose to do.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I never loved him. I did. But I have learned that there are many kinds of love and love is different depending on the relationship and the circumstance.

In a marriage love has a set of rules. Respect defines these rules. Self respect and the respect for the one you love. Without this a marriage is doomed to start.

It is said there are certain things that doom a marriage to failure. In-laws, money and infidelity.
All these things are dependent on the “respect” rules.

In-laws will never be an issue as long as you and your spouse respect that as a married couple you are “one” and the parents now become secondary to your bond. Being polite and fostering a healthy, happy relationship with the in-laws doesn’t hurt either. As long as the appropriate boundaries are in place or put in place.

Money can be touchy. The easiest way I’ve found to avoid money conflict it to never “blame”. As a married couple you are “one” and therefore the responsibility of your finances are shared. If you feel the need to blame your partner, look to yourself first. When your husband is a good provider, praise him. Men tend to equate showing there love by being supportive. Financially or otherwise. While women tend to place the value on “special” things and tend to “expect” to be supported, as if it’s some kind of right. A man appreciates a woman who understands this and longs to be praised for the daily “gifts” just as much if not more so that the “special” gifts. If you remember this, and your man is a good one, you will be well on your way to marital bliss.

If your husband berates you for money issues ask yourself, “Am I a loving supportive wife in all other aspects?” If your answer is a resounding “Yes”, then he is not being respectful or considerate of you and you are within your rights to gently remind him of such.


My ex and I fought over this topic quite a bit and he loved to blame me, despite the fact that I had many “real world” jobs threw out our marriage. On one occasion I got frustrated an said to him…

“If you had to pay for me you couldn’t afford it”

I think this is something that bares mentioning because I’ve known many women who felt down about not, “working”. Society tells us we have to be everything to everyone and that if we don’t “work” then we’re somehow lacking regardless of how wonderful we may be as mothers or wives.

Let me break it down for you how I see it.

As a wife we run errands, balance the bills, cook, clean, take care of children, and of course provide “personal” comforts for our husbands.

Lets just stop for a moment and look at the current national averages for pay….

Accountant - 44,000
Cook - 31,000
Housekeeper - 22,000
Childcare - 29,000
Personal Assistant - 36,000

So as a wife just based on those 5 criteria alone your annual “income” is now 162,000 a year. And the above figures assume a 40 hour work week. As a wife your on the job 24/7. So excluding 8 hours for sleep just to be “fair” lets times this by a wife’s “working hours”. Now your up to, 486,000 and that still doesnt include weekends.

Think about that the next time someone tries to make you feel “less than” for not having a “real job“. If the average man had to pay your “salary” he couldn’t afford it.



Now infidelity. Also a touchy subject. For some this is very cut and dry. If you cheat, your out. For biblical reference the bible says that if a man “put away” his wife she is entitled to divorce him. So you got God’s ok there.

There are some cases though where people are not so hasty to throw there marriage away. In this case I’d like to share my feelings on this.

I think there are two kinds of cheaters. There is the habitual cheater. This cheater enjoys cheating and will most likely never mend there ways. This cheater is the one we say goodbye to. They will never be faithful, truthful or committed to you so you shouldn’t waste your time.

Then there is the “accidental” cheater. Sometimes mistakes happen. We’re all human and nobody is perfect. Even the most devoted and loving spouse can have an “accident”. I have found that the difference between the two types of men is that a “habitual cheater” has no genuine remorse. This kind of cheater will never really accept they did wrong and will defend themselves and there actions. The accidental cheater will hate himself. He will genuinely hurt for the wrong he’s committed. He will accept and understand your punishment. He knows he deserves it and he is truly sorry.

So there you have it. The trinity of divorce solved in black and white.

Things I learned from divorce - Part 2 - a better woman?

　
After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

Despite the pain what as made me a better woman post divorce?

Wow that’s a deep question. Despite the pain? Well I personally believe pain can be part of the learning. It motivate you. If it didn’t hurt to get divorced it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

What has made me a better woman?

When I was married to my first husband I was over time destroyed as a person. I remember my attorney telling me after the divorce that when I came into his office the first day I looked, “rode hard and put away wet”.

Just getting out of a bad marriage alone can make you a better woman by default. You become more fulfilled and happy. Your life becomes your own again.

When your in an unhealthy relationship you are smothered and denied light. You are a wilting flower. Moving on from that and getting past it helps you blossom again.

In the beginning you are destroyed. Or at least you feel you are. You struggled so hard and so much of yourself was poured into try to make things work. When it’s over you initial reaction is to feel gutted. But then you get up, you move on and then one day you realize, it’s ok. Not only is it ok but you feel so much better!

You can not be a strong, healthy, loving person while living in a circumstance that does not promote those things. I am far from the type to blame my life on circumstance but in the case of marriage you become “one” with another person. If that other person makes you toxic it’s not as simple as changing your diet, finding new friends or going jogging to blow off steam. That other person is the problem.

Of course it doesn’t happen overnight and you don’t come to that conclusion overnight. A thoughtful conscientious wife will very carefully look at her life and marriage and try very diligently to save it before coming to the place of divorce.

In my personal case there where a great number of factors that contributed but for me the final conclusion was that I had chosen the wrong partner.

Once I was on my own the world opened before me. I moved, made new friends, started working, put my son in daycare. I found support I never knew I had. I realized I wasn’t alone. I realized there where people in the world who loved me. I realized my life was my own and that “this man” no longer defined me, no longer “controlled“ me.

I was able to take time to learn about myself and who I was and what made me happy. Those things led to better life choices. And I guess, you might say, made me a better woman.

Things I learned from divorce, part 1 - The short list

After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

To answer the first part of the question. Can I summarize the lessons I learned? I’m going to try and break it down simply. It has been 5 years now since my divorce and I feel like sometimes I’m still learning from it…

This is part one for this two part question

-Every marriage is different
-Not every marriage is “meant to be”
-Sometimes we fight to save the wrong things.
-No matter how much you love the idea of marriage, sometimes it’s not worth saving.
-Fighting to make someone love you will never work if they don’t or don‘t know how.
-Sometimes we just make mistakes. No one is perfect.
-It takes two to make a marriage. If only one is trying there’s really no marriage to save
-Sometimes we make poor choices but eventually we have to learn to stop making ourselves suffer for them and move on.
-If you give your all to your marriage, then you should have no regrets in the end.

-Staying in an unhappy marriage “for the sake of your children” will only lead to unhappy, ill adjusted children.
-Your children watch you and learn more from your actions than anything you might ever say to them.
-If you don’t want the kind of relationship you have to be the same for your children then your probably in the wrong kind of relationship.
-Sperm donors are not “fathers“. The man who raises his children, loves his family and lives his life in such a way to show these things is a father.

-Its ok to be angry and hurt, but don’t let it consume you
-Take comfort in knowing that “being the better person” will make you the better person in the end.
-If you “give'um enough rope” they will hang themselves.
-Lawyers on average will cost about the same per hour no matter which one you go with. I recommend getting the best you can afford. One with class doesn’t hurt either.

-Life goes on.
-When given the opportunity, and the right attitude, you will be amazed by the number of people who are there to help support you.
-There are still people who love you.
-If you forgot how, relearn to love yourself
-Learn from your mistakes
-Don’t judge people too quickly
-Don’t trust too quickly either
-For every door that closes another one is waiting to open
-When your ready, love will find you.
　

I am sure this is in no way a “complete” list… but just some highlights that came to mind.