Things I learned from divorce - Part 2 - a better woman?

　
After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

Despite the pain what as made me a better woman post divorce?

Wow that’s a deep question. Despite the pain? Well I personally believe pain can be part of the learning. It motivate you. If it didn’t hurt to get divorced it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

What has made me a better woman?

When I was married to my first husband I was over time destroyed as a person. I remember my attorney telling me after the divorce that when I came into his office the first day I looked, “rode hard and put away wet”.

Just getting out of a bad marriage alone can make you a better woman by default. You become more fulfilled and happy. Your life becomes your own again.

When your in an unhealthy relationship you are smothered and denied light. You are a wilting flower. Moving on from that and getting past it helps you blossom again.

In the beginning you are destroyed. Or at least you feel you are. You struggled so hard and so much of yourself was poured into try to make things work. When it’s over you initial reaction is to feel gutted. But then you get up, you move on and then one day you realize, it’s ok. Not only is it ok but you feel so much better!

You can not be a strong, healthy, loving person while living in a circumstance that does not promote those things. I am far from the type to blame my life on circumstance but in the case of marriage you become “one” with another person. If that other person makes you toxic it’s not as simple as changing your diet, finding new friends or going jogging to blow off steam. That other person is the problem.

Of course it doesn’t happen overnight and you don’t come to that conclusion overnight. A thoughtful conscientious wife will very carefully look at her life and marriage and try very diligently to save it before coming to the place of divorce.

In my personal case there where a great number of factors that contributed but for me the final conclusion was that I had chosen the wrong partner.

Once I was on my own the world opened before me. I moved, made new friends, started working, put my son in daycare. I found support I never knew I had. I realized I wasn’t alone. I realized there where people in the world who loved me. I realized my life was my own and that “this man” no longer defined me, no longer “controlled“ me.

I was able to take time to learn about myself and who I was and what made me happy. Those things led to better life choices. And I guess, you might say, made me a better woman.

Things I learned from divorce, part 1 - The short list

After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

To answer the first part of the question. Can I summarize the lessons I learned? I’m going to try and break it down simply. It has been 5 years now since my divorce and I feel like sometimes I’m still learning from it…

This is part one for this two part question

-Every marriage is different
-Not every marriage is “meant to be”
-Sometimes we fight to save the wrong things.
-No matter how much you love the idea of marriage, sometimes it’s not worth saving.
-Fighting to make someone love you will never work if they don’t or don‘t know how.
-Sometimes we just make mistakes. No one is perfect.
-It takes two to make a marriage. If only one is trying there’s really no marriage to save
-Sometimes we make poor choices but eventually we have to learn to stop making ourselves suffer for them and move on.
-If you give your all to your marriage, then you should have no regrets in the end.

-Staying in an unhappy marriage “for the sake of your children” will only lead to unhappy, ill adjusted children.
-Your children watch you and learn more from your actions than anything you might ever say to them.
-If you don’t want the kind of relationship you have to be the same for your children then your probably in the wrong kind of relationship.
-Sperm donors are not “fathers“. The man who raises his children, loves his family and lives his life in such a way to show these things is a father.

-Its ok to be angry and hurt, but don’t let it consume you
-Take comfort in knowing that “being the better person” will make you the better person in the end.
-If you “give'um enough rope” they will hang themselves.
-Lawyers on average will cost about the same per hour no matter which one you go with. I recommend getting the best you can afford. One with class doesn’t hurt either.

-Life goes on.
-When given the opportunity, and the right attitude, you will be amazed by the number of people who are there to help support you.
-There are still people who love you.
-If you forgot how, relearn to love yourself
-Learn from your mistakes
-Don’t judge people too quickly
-Don’t trust too quickly either
-For every door that closes another one is waiting to open
-When your ready, love will find you.
　

I am sure this is in no way a “complete” list… but just some highlights that came to mind.