In-laws, Money and Infidelity - The trinity of Divorce

The first time I got married I was 18 years old. I knew in my heart it was wrong from the moment I said, I do. That was my mistake. I had made the commitment and the obligation and I stood by it for many years. I thought that was what you where suppose to do.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I never loved him. I did. But I have learned that there are many kinds of love and love is different depending on the relationship and the circumstance.

In a marriage love has a set of rules. Respect defines these rules. Self respect and the respect for the one you love. Without this a marriage is doomed to start.

It is said there are certain things that doom a marriage to failure. In-laws, money and infidelity.
All these things are dependent on the “respect” rules.

In-laws will never be an issue as long as you and your spouse respect that as a married couple you are “one” and the parents now become secondary to your bond. Being polite and fostering a healthy, happy relationship with the in-laws doesn’t hurt either. As long as the appropriate boundaries are in place or put in place.

Money can be touchy. The easiest way I’ve found to avoid money conflict it to never “blame”. As a married couple you are “one” and therefore the responsibility of your finances are shared. If you feel the need to blame your partner, look to yourself first. When your husband is a good provider, praise him. Men tend to equate showing there love by being supportive. Financially or otherwise. While women tend to place the value on “special” things and tend to “expect” to be supported, as if it’s some kind of right. A man appreciates a woman who understands this and longs to be praised for the daily “gifts” just as much if not more so that the “special” gifts. If you remember this, and your man is a good one, you will be well on your way to marital bliss.

If your husband berates you for money issues ask yourself, “Am I a loving supportive wife in all other aspects?” If your answer is a resounding “Yes”, then he is not being respectful or considerate of you and you are within your rights to gently remind him of such.


My ex and I fought over this topic quite a bit and he loved to blame me, despite the fact that I had many “real world” jobs threw out our marriage. On one occasion I got frustrated an said to him…

“If you had to pay for me you couldn’t afford it”

I think this is something that bares mentioning because I’ve known many women who felt down about not, “working”. Society tells us we have to be everything to everyone and that if we don’t “work” then we’re somehow lacking regardless of how wonderful we may be as mothers or wives.

Let me break it down for you how I see it.

As a wife we run errands, balance the bills, cook, clean, take care of children, and of course provide “personal” comforts for our husbands.

Lets just stop for a moment and look at the current national averages for pay….

Accountant - 44,000
Cook - 31,000
Housekeeper - 22,000
Childcare - 29,000
Personal Assistant - 36,000

So as a wife just based on those 5 criteria alone your annual “income” is now 162,000 a year. And the above figures assume a 40 hour work week. As a wife your on the job 24/7. So excluding 8 hours for sleep just to be “fair” lets times this by a wife’s “working hours”. Now your up to, 486,000 and that still doesnt include weekends.

Think about that the next time someone tries to make you feel “less than” for not having a “real job“. If the average man had to pay your “salary” he couldn’t afford it.



Now infidelity. Also a touchy subject. For some this is very cut and dry. If you cheat, your out. For biblical reference the bible says that if a man “put away” his wife she is entitled to divorce him. So you got God’s ok there.

There are some cases though where people are not so hasty to throw there marriage away. In this case I’d like to share my feelings on this.

I think there are two kinds of cheaters. There is the habitual cheater. This cheater enjoys cheating and will most likely never mend there ways. This cheater is the one we say goodbye to. They will never be faithful, truthful or committed to you so you shouldn’t waste your time.

Then there is the “accidental” cheater. Sometimes mistakes happen. We’re all human and nobody is perfect. Even the most devoted and loving spouse can have an “accident”. I have found that the difference between the two types of men is that a “habitual cheater” has no genuine remorse. This kind of cheater will never really accept they did wrong and will defend themselves and there actions. The accidental cheater will hate himself. He will genuinely hurt for the wrong he’s committed. He will accept and understand your punishment. He knows he deserves it and he is truly sorry.

So there you have it. The trinity of divorce solved in black and white.

Someone like you

I was riding in the car and the song, “Someone like you” by Adele came on the radio. It got me thinking about past situations. I thought of women in the past who tried to be the other woman to the man in my life. I imagined them listening to this song. I imagined the feelings and thoughts they might have as they did so. It also crossed my mind that society has taken a strange turn when the songs have gone from the old songs of the woman scorned to songs that almost romanticize infidelity.

You take Hinders song “Lips of an angle”. When I was going threw my divorce I remember getting really angry every time I'd hear it on the radio. I guess that kind of dates my divorce if your familiar, but oh well. The moral backwardness just blows my mind.

Don’t romanticize stupidity.

Why do these women do this? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not letting men off the hook but for the moment I just want to focus on women. Do you really, honestly believe that you can win here? Even if you win, what have you won?

One could argue, “Sometimes things happen.” Ok. As much as I hate to entertain this, in the sake of fairness I will. When I was younger I met a man who I had a brief affair with. He lived alone and there where no signs of a wife or family. It never even occurred to me that could have been a possibility. Then one morning he received a phone call and said he had to leave out of state. Apparently something was going on with his wife that required his immediate attention.

“WIFE?!?!?”

Apparently they where getting “divorced” but I really didn’t care at that point. When they got divorced I might have considered it, but it did not happen for quiet some time. And not before I had well moved on with my life. Had I known he was married the affair would have never occurred and when I learned he was, in my mind it was over. It wasn’t because I wasn’t in love with him. For a time, I was. But it’s about having a moral compass and self control. I left and that was it. I saw him around. I thought about him occasionally. I even managed to remain friendly with him.

Shawn Colvin did a song called, “The facts about Jimmy” - it made me think of him then and it makes me think of him now and in a way I guess that was my “infidelity” song. But I would like to imagine that “Jimmy” in the song, like in my life, had not been forthcoming in the beginning and the end of there affair was like mine, as a result of learning about the whole truth. Probably not, but that’s how I’d like to imagine it.

During my first marriage I actually had a women have the gall to curse me out over my husband. She genuinely believed that he had left me and that they where going to live happily ever after. Funnily enough before this I had no clue about her or any of that. I was completely blindsided by the affair but level headed enough to point out to her that I was unaware of that and she needed to bare in mind she was the “other” woman. Not only did he not leave me for her but our marriage lasted almost another 4 years after the fact. I hate to admit that point but it was his first affair and I allowed him to convince me it was a mistake and would never, ever happen again. The only mistake in his mind though was that he allowed himself to be caught. I had my suspicions over the years that followed but to be able to prove them definitively? I really couldn’t. Only later and via circumstance where the puzzle pieces aligned.

Now, I believe there are two kinds of women in the world who get involved with married men. The ones who don’t know and the ones who do. For the ones who don’t know? I forgive you. Now that you do? Have some self respect and leave. The ones that do know? What is wrong with you? Really? Are you that sad, pathetic, desperate, lonely, stupid, arrogant? ….I could go on and on.

Like I said, you will never win. In the process you knowingly destroy a family and home. If you do manage to get the man to leave his wife for you? Congratulations! You’re a home wrecker! If you decide to keep the prize you “won”, you’ll suffer the rest of your time together living in terror that he’ll someday do the same to you.

Oh, and btw if you’re just one of those little whores who just wants to see if you can take another woman’s husband away? Well, I’ll just say, there’s a special place in hell for people like that. And one day you might just meet the crazy wife who will put you there.