Things I learned from divorce - Part 2 - a better woman?

　
After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

Despite the pain what as made me a better woman post divorce?

Wow that’s a deep question. Despite the pain? Well I personally believe pain can be part of the learning. It motivate you. If it didn’t hurt to get divorced it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

What has made me a better woman?

When I was married to my first husband I was over time destroyed as a person. I remember my attorney telling me after the divorce that when I came into his office the first day I looked, “rode hard and put away wet”.

Just getting out of a bad marriage alone can make you a better woman by default. You become more fulfilled and happy. Your life becomes your own again.

When your in an unhealthy relationship you are smothered and denied light. You are a wilting flower. Moving on from that and getting past it helps you blossom again.

In the beginning you are destroyed. Or at least you feel you are. You struggled so hard and so much of yourself was poured into try to make things work. When it’s over you initial reaction is to feel gutted. But then you get up, you move on and then one day you realize, it’s ok. Not only is it ok but you feel so much better!

You can not be a strong, healthy, loving person while living in a circumstance that does not promote those things. I am far from the type to blame my life on circumstance but in the case of marriage you become “one” with another person. If that other person makes you toxic it’s not as simple as changing your diet, finding new friends or going jogging to blow off steam. That other person is the problem.

Of course it doesn’t happen overnight and you don’t come to that conclusion overnight. A thoughtful conscientious wife will very carefully look at her life and marriage and try very diligently to save it before coming to the place of divorce.

In my personal case there where a great number of factors that contributed but for me the final conclusion was that I had chosen the wrong partner.

Once I was on my own the world opened before me. I moved, made new friends, started working, put my son in daycare. I found support I never knew I had. I realized I wasn’t alone. I realized there where people in the world who loved me. I realized my life was my own and that “this man” no longer defined me, no longer “controlled“ me.

I was able to take time to learn about myself and who I was and what made me happy. Those things led to better life choices. And I guess, you might say, made me a better woman.