In-laws, Money and Infidelity - The trinity of Divorce

The first time I got married I was 18 years old. I knew in my heart it was wrong from the moment I said, I do. That was my mistake. I had made the commitment and the obligation and I stood by it for many years. I thought that was what you where suppose to do.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I never loved him. I did. But I have learned that there are many kinds of love and love is different depending on the relationship and the circumstance.

In a marriage love has a set of rules. Respect defines these rules. Self respect and the respect for the one you love. Without this a marriage is doomed to start.

It is said there are certain things that doom a marriage to failure. In-laws, money and infidelity.
All these things are dependent on the “respect” rules.

In-laws will never be an issue as long as you and your spouse respect that as a married couple you are “one” and the parents now become secondary to your bond. Being polite and fostering a healthy, happy relationship with the in-laws doesn’t hurt either. As long as the appropriate boundaries are in place or put in place.

Money can be touchy. The easiest way I’ve found to avoid money conflict it to never “blame”. As a married couple you are “one” and therefore the responsibility of your finances are shared. If you feel the need to blame your partner, look to yourself first. When your husband is a good provider, praise him. Men tend to equate showing there love by being supportive. Financially or otherwise. While women tend to place the value on “special” things and tend to “expect” to be supported, as if it’s some kind of right. A man appreciates a woman who understands this and longs to be praised for the daily “gifts” just as much if not more so that the “special” gifts. If you remember this, and your man is a good one, you will be well on your way to marital bliss.

If your husband berates you for money issues ask yourself, “Am I a loving supportive wife in all other aspects?” If your answer is a resounding “Yes”, then he is not being respectful or considerate of you and you are within your rights to gently remind him of such.


My ex and I fought over this topic quite a bit and he loved to blame me, despite the fact that I had many “real world” jobs threw out our marriage. On one occasion I got frustrated an said to him…

“If you had to pay for me you couldn’t afford it”

I think this is something that bares mentioning because I’ve known many women who felt down about not, “working”. Society tells us we have to be everything to everyone and that if we don’t “work” then we’re somehow lacking regardless of how wonderful we may be as mothers or wives.

Let me break it down for you how I see it.

As a wife we run errands, balance the bills, cook, clean, take care of children, and of course provide “personal” comforts for our husbands.

Lets just stop for a moment and look at the current national averages for pay….

Accountant - 44,000
Cook - 31,000
Housekeeper - 22,000
Childcare - 29,000
Personal Assistant - 36,000

So as a wife just based on those 5 criteria alone your annual “income” is now 162,000 a year. And the above figures assume a 40 hour work week. As a wife your on the job 24/7. So excluding 8 hours for sleep just to be “fair” lets times this by a wife’s “working hours”. Now your up to, 486,000 and that still doesnt include weekends.

Think about that the next time someone tries to make you feel “less than” for not having a “real job“. If the average man had to pay your “salary” he couldn’t afford it.



Now infidelity. Also a touchy subject. For some this is very cut and dry. If you cheat, your out. For biblical reference the bible says that if a man “put away” his wife she is entitled to divorce him. So you got God’s ok there.

There are some cases though where people are not so hasty to throw there marriage away. In this case I’d like to share my feelings on this.

I think there are two kinds of cheaters. There is the habitual cheater. This cheater enjoys cheating and will most likely never mend there ways. This cheater is the one we say goodbye to. They will never be faithful, truthful or committed to you so you shouldn’t waste your time.

Then there is the “accidental” cheater. Sometimes mistakes happen. We’re all human and nobody is perfect. Even the most devoted and loving spouse can have an “accident”. I have found that the difference between the two types of men is that a “habitual cheater” has no genuine remorse. This kind of cheater will never really accept they did wrong and will defend themselves and there actions. The accidental cheater will hate himself. He will genuinely hurt for the wrong he’s committed. He will accept and understand your punishment. He knows he deserves it and he is truly sorry.

So there you have it. The trinity of divorce solved in black and white.

Things I learned from divorce - Part 2 - a better woman?

　
After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

Despite the pain what as made me a better woman post divorce?

Wow that’s a deep question. Despite the pain? Well I personally believe pain can be part of the learning. It motivate you. If it didn’t hurt to get divorced it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

What has made me a better woman?

When I was married to my first husband I was over time destroyed as a person. I remember my attorney telling me after the divorce that when I came into his office the first day I looked, “rode hard and put away wet”.

Just getting out of a bad marriage alone can make you a better woman by default. You become more fulfilled and happy. Your life becomes your own again.

When your in an unhealthy relationship you are smothered and denied light. You are a wilting flower. Moving on from that and getting past it helps you blossom again.

In the beginning you are destroyed. Or at least you feel you are. You struggled so hard and so much of yourself was poured into try to make things work. When it’s over you initial reaction is to feel gutted. But then you get up, you move on and then one day you realize, it’s ok. Not only is it ok but you feel so much better!

You can not be a strong, healthy, loving person while living in a circumstance that does not promote those things. I am far from the type to blame my life on circumstance but in the case of marriage you become “one” with another person. If that other person makes you toxic it’s not as simple as changing your diet, finding new friends or going jogging to blow off steam. That other person is the problem.

Of course it doesn’t happen overnight and you don’t come to that conclusion overnight. A thoughtful conscientious wife will very carefully look at her life and marriage and try very diligently to save it before coming to the place of divorce.

In my personal case there where a great number of factors that contributed but for me the final conclusion was that I had chosen the wrong partner.

Once I was on my own the world opened before me. I moved, made new friends, started working, put my son in daycare. I found support I never knew I had. I realized I wasn’t alone. I realized there where people in the world who loved me. I realized my life was my own and that “this man” no longer defined me, no longer “controlled“ me.

I was able to take time to learn about myself and who I was and what made me happy. Those things led to better life choices. And I guess, you might say, made me a better woman.

Things I learned from divorce, part 1 - The short list

After writing “For a friend” the following was asked via facebook…

“hi marcie...cud u summarize the lessons u learned...and despite the pain what has made u a better woman post the divorce?”

To answer the first part of the question. Can I summarize the lessons I learned? I’m going to try and break it down simply. It has been 5 years now since my divorce and I feel like sometimes I’m still learning from it…

This is part one for this two part question

-Every marriage is different
-Not every marriage is “meant to be”
-Sometimes we fight to save the wrong things.
-No matter how much you love the idea of marriage, sometimes it’s not worth saving.
-Fighting to make someone love you will never work if they don’t or don‘t know how.
-Sometimes we just make mistakes. No one is perfect.
-It takes two to make a marriage. If only one is trying there’s really no marriage to save
-Sometimes we make poor choices but eventually we have to learn to stop making ourselves suffer for them and move on.
-If you give your all to your marriage, then you should have no regrets in the end.

-Staying in an unhappy marriage “for the sake of your children” will only lead to unhappy, ill adjusted children.
-Your children watch you and learn more from your actions than anything you might ever say to them.
-If you don’t want the kind of relationship you have to be the same for your children then your probably in the wrong kind of relationship.
-Sperm donors are not “fathers“. The man who raises his children, loves his family and lives his life in such a way to show these things is a father.

-Its ok to be angry and hurt, but don’t let it consume you
-Take comfort in knowing that “being the better person” will make you the better person in the end.
-If you “give'um enough rope” they will hang themselves.
-Lawyers on average will cost about the same per hour no matter which one you go with. I recommend getting the best you can afford. One with class doesn’t hurt either.

-Life goes on.
-When given the opportunity, and the right attitude, you will be amazed by the number of people who are there to help support you.
-There are still people who love you.
-If you forgot how, relearn to love yourself
-Learn from your mistakes
-Don’t judge people too quickly
-Don’t trust too quickly either
-For every door that closes another one is waiting to open
-When your ready, love will find you.
　

I am sure this is in no way a “complete” list… but just some highlights that came to mind.

For a Friend

In an old myspace blog I use to have I wrote....

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22 Aug 2006
sometimes people make use of false guilt’s and so they find an excuse for closing there eyes to there very real guilt’s
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 ....I recall, after posting this, my ex-husband calling me and wanting to hash out "What is that suppose to mean" with me. It was written not long after I moved back home to prepare for my divorce. It all seems so long ago and ancient now. The quote still makes perfect sense of the hell I call my first marriage. Life does not stand still though and onward I moved. Frankly, I just threw myself into moving on and a few months later I wrote this....

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4 Feb 2007
love story

This story is not an easy one to tell. For all the openness I am; all the truth I strive to be, some things are more difficult to express than others. Fear has a lot to do with that. When you spend your life believing so strongly in love, only to have your heart shattered, it creates a hurt that heals but scars. The initial wound fades rather quickly but scars take time to diminish. Sometimes they never fully fade. Unlike the faint lines that mark your flesh internal scars are only visible in the moment. For me, moment of venerability; intensely emotional moments; primal intimate moments, these almost paralyze my whole being. Words ball up like a hot weight in my stomach as they struggle to come out. So this is why I write them.

The first time you touched me was the first time I'd been really touched in so long. I didn't realize in the moment. I was so intent on guarding myself that only later did I realize how significant that touch had been. It was so simple. Yet it grew in me in ways I couldn't understand. I wanted to drive it away. My conscious mind pummeled me with memories from the past. They way my heart had raced with fury till I believed it might explode. The way my soul ached and how I had collapsed from the swell of anguish. Knowing that every whisper, every profession of undying devotion had been a lie. A sick game for his twisted pleasure.

In the shock of my broken reality I had swore I would never allow myself to feel again. I had envisioned a future of self-gratification and nothing more. My whole focus became a forward motion. Work, success, personal dreams, goals, those where my new lover. Stability from nothing. I would create a new existence free from hurt. Most importantly, above all else, protection and love for my son.

When I was younger games where easy to play. I was inspiration and as such the center of my universe. It never occurred to me how deeply my disconnection affected others. Now, as I am older, I view things more empathically. I understand a little better the way I touched soft hearts because I became one myself. From that came knowledge. "Knowledge is power" or at least that's what they say. What they fail to explain is that what you do with that power defines your soul. I seek truth. I ask myself, "How can I be wise?" all the while my spirit soaring with passionate inspiration. Is it possible to find balance? Can one really have the discipline to contain their actions while there essence burns with life?

In most ways I am strong. The wall around me is high but the gate is generally open. The garden maze beyond intoxicating. Tourists come and go but that's fine. Many follow threw its winding beauty and never look at its complexity. The different hews and shades of its mosaic light. It is very rare that one meanders. Vary rare that one questions its intricacies. I am its caretaker yet even I sometimes fail to notice what grows in its deeper depths. As you passed threw you left a seed. A seed so slow growing and persistent that despite my want to ignore it my dreams intervened.

Heavy tiredness draws over my every night. Exhaustion from the almost overwhelming task of creating a new life. Most night's dreams never come and I awake as if perpetually hung-over. Never realizing truly recuperative rest. This night the darkness of my mind blossomed. The vision began with me leaning over the banisher of a stilted house. Blue and somewhat Mediterranean in style it hovered over a stark landscape. In the beginning you seemed to come down from the sky in a rush. As if falling from some unknown height. Your hands grasped massive high wires and momentarily you swung. The polls holding the structure began to lean and I called out to you to be careful. As they slowly gave way my heart jumped fearing your fate. Yet you came down gracefully like one does after they parachute. Around the corner of the house you ran and disappeared. I stood at the white railing looking down. Looking for where you had gone.

After a few seconds my gaze returned to the horizon, considering the geometry of this odd subconscious world. I felt your hands gently come to my sides. I should have been startled but it felt so familiar. Closer you pulled to me, your chest grazing my back. Your nose nuzzled past my hair and lightly touched the arch of my neck. Laying your chin on my shoulder you rapped your arms around my waist. Holding me as we watched the evening light fade.

In the art of storytelling an author should seek to leave an impression. To lead into inspiration yet leave room for the imagination. The story doesn't end here. In fact it is only the beginning. But for now I seek to be wise. To let it stand still and see how the rest of it grows. It is for you to find truth.

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The story is intentionally cryptic. Although I did actually dream about my new love before I met him. It is a combination of musing and self reflection. As the year went on I grew so much as a person. I never could have imagined in the place I was before how suffocating my past life had become. With the freedom I became stronger and more complete as a human being.

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28 Mar 2007
listening to the voice of god

There's something about the south. Perhaps it's the sultry evenings. The way the humidity clings and the breeze caresses. Or the hues of pink and orange lingering as the slate blue gray slips across the sky. Of course maybe I'm just partial being a southern girl.

I was walking the dog tonight, as I do most evenings, looking trees and contemplating how much I really enjoy life. Watching the children playing as I pass. Taking in all the beauty the world has to offer.

There where times back when I was with John and I would stop my rambling thoughts and take it all in. And I would say to him, "we are truly blessed". Since being alone I have realize it wasn't "we" that where blessed but "me".

I am blessed with sight. I am blessed with insight. I am blessed with the gift of life and the ability to recognize how wonderful that is. What's more I am also blessed with a child. A life I've been given to shape and care for.

I don't presume to understand much. I do the best I can and try and make the most of what I have. But I do know that I am very thankful. In spite of all the petty day-to-day crap that comes my way at the end of the day everything is ok. I am ok. My son is ok. The world is ok.

I love
I love life
And I truly am blessed

(by the way- "the voice of god" is a short instrumental piece by Thomas Newman)
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Looking back it's rather inspiring how quickly the soul can start to heal.... The above was written less than a year after splitting up with my ex... A couple days later I found myself musing over this....

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 29 Mar 2007
The Little Prince and the fox

There is so much wisdom in children.... that's why I love children’s books The following is from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"And now here's my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."
"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince so he would be sure to remember.
"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose..."
"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
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I knew in my heart the man who truly understood this passage would be my "prince" forever...

After divorce I think everyone’s first reaction is, "never again" ...for me my new love was quick to come. The course of events fell almost perfectly in both our lives to bring us together and yet neither of us understood that at first. Or perhaps we did, but fear can do strange things to people.

When I met my love, the very moment I looked into his eyes for the first time I knew. Yet my mind went, "Oh crap, I don’t need this right now." ....it's funny to think back to that.... especially considering where I am now...

In October of 2008 my love and I moved in together. In August of 2009 our beautiful daughter was born. I was proposed to probably no less than 5 times before I accepted. In October of the same year we where married. I would like to say that was my happily ever after, but even then the wisdom of the fox was to be tested. My prince was slow to understand but eventually and with Gods help he finally understood the meaning of the story. Though I doubt he ever read it.

Life goes on. What happens after, "and they lived happily ever after?"....I would like to think, they live happily.... I do..